Saturday, March 9, 2013

I am stuck...

I haven't posted in awhile about anything... except for the simplest of things. I am rather stuck by events of my childhood. Things that are never talked about... especially not on the Internet. But certain things have come looming to the surface of my memory. Things that have been worked on in therapy, but still linger on after all these years.

I faithfully check an old hometown newspaper each week. I want to see if the perpetrator of crimes within my youth has passed away. I want to know... yet, I don't know if, what I would do with that information. I have had notions of bringing forth the long withheld information upon the surviving members of that family. I am torn... because of knowing that it would very much be denied even though the abuse that happen was multi-generational. And I worry that my allegiance to my very best friend after being put back into that scenario many times over the years, to either succumb to it once again or to finally take a stand and say-- "No, enough is enough" would make me credible.  And yet not being able to report to any agency for fear of repercussions upon my now former childhood friend as she could lose her livelihood weighs all to heavily... despite the statutes of limitations.

Things that happened were not my fault... I know that in my head. Things that were done, were done by numerous people from the time of being a very small child. It has been something that has affected my entire life up to a certain point. Again... it would (and did) take therapy to help me begin to move past the pain and devastation this crime has imprinted on my life.

I have also just passed the 3rd anniversary of my mothers passing. Something that is very difficult for me to even speak about. Things that surrounded that event are indeed quite hurtful and painful... and I again am having issues with processing those feelings. I miss my Mom... and in her last few years of life, she became inaccessible to me within the confines of dementia and distance. I loved her deeply and miss the last few years we had together as I fought for her dignity within the confines of my family and "what they felt was right" when I didn't agree. It was always a battle to be heard and to have a favorable outcome as I know that if my Mom could truly be aware of what was happening (instead of the stress of the matter) she would have let the opposing party have it (once again) and we would have moved toward the positive direction. ( Once my Mom went to dementia care... I would often send clothing as gifts to her... it was important. This is being said as a point of reference only and not as a point of attack on anyone.) I loved my Mom very deeply and I know that she loved me... and she so wanted to have me near her after I had moved back to the east coast.

What brought all this on were 2 events. One being a facebook post made by a friend, praising her children... and I was wondering if my Mom had ever really been proud of me. I don't remember her saying so... never during my school years as they were very turbulent times. And Second, I watched Lisa Ling's "Our America" on Trouble in the Clubhouse... about abuse by coaching staff. That one hour set things off for me ... again....

So, the question is this...Does that part of your inner psyche ever really heal? It can be overcome... with time and distance and separation, but does that inner part of the one what has suffered ever really get to a place where it doesn't rise up and cause pain once again?

I am sorry this post is not about sunshine and rainbows. I do have many things to be grateful and thankful for. I am not depressed... I just have things within my heart that can sometimes weigh down the sweet spirit that usually resides there.

Thank you for reading... and being patient.

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