Cancelling

I am still not feeling well. I am not sleeping more than a few hours due to congestion and coughing. (TMI???)  I am still taking my antibiotics and using inhalers along with a decongestant. It's keeping some of the crap at bay... but I still am hacking up crud.

We are suppose to go to my friend Miss Jane's for Easter dinner. She has been following my progress on feeling better on Facebook. She left me a voicemail tonite to call her... and to not feel obligated to come on Sunday. She's also afraid that I could pass this on to her mother-in-law or her father, both of whom are quite elderly. I totally understand that issue and wouldn't want to pass this on to anyone.

DH and I discussed it briefly before he went to work today. We didn't come to any conclusion but now I have confirmation that I should cancel this visit. I need to plan on what we will have for our own Easter dinner... likely a ham and a potato casserole that won't be taxing on me. It's also a matter of still having enough air in my lungs. I went out with Punky tonite and made it to the top of the drive way. I came in and climbed the stairs and got winded... but I only had to rest a little bit and my coughing was as head splitting as it has been. So, there is a little improvement.

Tomorrow begins a 4 day weekend for DH... and some much needed time off for him. We are planning on doing some catch-up chores and laundry. (There's always laundry!)

Thanks for reading.
~Suzanne

Still Here!

I am still here... wrapped up in my favorite blanket on the sofa. I did go to the doctor... well, actually I saw the PA. He gave me stronger anti-biotics instead of a trip to the hospital. I am still doing all my other breathing treatments and get some relief. But if I over-exert myself at all... I end up sounding like a sea lion as I cough and hack. Once that is under control, I still have the peacock sounds of wheezing and feel the pressure of trying to breathe.

Yesterday we had a heating oil delivery. The driver needed help with the doors so I was required to get down stairs to get him inside the garage. It was cold, snowing and windy. Between the activity of the stairs and getting the door open and the weather... I thought I was a goner! I made it inside to the staircase and sat on the 2nd step to try and catch my breath. I sat there until the delivery driver was done and he brought our receipt. He looked at me and asked if I needed medical assistance... he was concerned. I told him I would be ok in a minute or two. He asked again if he needed to get me some help... poor guy. I told him I would be ok and to have a nice day. I made it upstairs and took a hit on my rescue inhaler and rested. I felt that exertion in my chest the rest of the day.

I can't seem to stay in bed all night... I end up going back to the sofa to sit up for sleep. Getting good rest is important to getting better. I hope I can get some good rest soon.

Oh. Happy News too! DH has a lovely 4 day weekend coming up! He has Good Friday and Easter as paid holidays this year. We are grateful for needed time off. He needs rest and I also need some help with the basics of housework right now.

Thanks for reading! Have a blessed day!
~Suzanne

It Abounds Here!

Sickness.... upper respiratory infections... Z-packs.... they all hang out here! I am wheezing so badly that in a quiet room you would swear we had peacocks outside! Even after doing Symbicourt, Albuterol rescue inhaler and albuterol breathing treatments... it's not letting up.

I am going to the doctor in the morning. I am afraid I won't get to come home. I have no real appetite, a slamming headache and fever and chills. This is really sucky! I am suppose to go to a birthday party on Saturday afternoon... but I quietly cancelled today.  DH was home from work on Monday and Tuesday. He's doing a little bit better than I am. He's stronger and gets more fresh air.

Oh... and that's another thing... No fresh air! It's been so cold and I've had such chills, it's rather like being in a germ incubator in this house. I am so sick of the wind, cold air and snow... we are thinking that someone needs to take out a hit on a stupid groundhog named Phil!

Thanks for reading... I have no more energy than this.
~Suzanne

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Top o' the Irish to you!

I'm not Irish... for years I thought we were. Until my brother and I actually met our half sisters and learned of our actual heritage. It's been 8 years since we each got an email and made the trip to Texas to meet the girls. It's been something that has been wonderful in my life... to have such wonderful big sisters who are so loving and care so much. They might not have been raised with us... but we are all so much alike that it's just uncanny sometimes!

Not much is new here around this little cottage. DH has been working some crazy long hours. I have been to see a pulmonologist. I will be going for lung function studies and blood gas work in the near future. He changed my inhaler and also gave me a rescue inhaler for the Spring. I will also be going for another CT scan with contrast in June to check the size of calcification's on both of my lungs. It seems that my body grows these things... I have one at 4 cm on my right lung and one at 5 cm on my left lung.

Along with the above mentioned calcification's... I also have one on my heart and one on my spleen. Anyone see any kind of correlation, since I have had cancer twice and the Pulmonologist also was concerned about a mass I have on the left side of my neck where my thyroid used to be. He was very emphatic that I mention it my Endo Dr. when I see her to double check my last ultrasound results.

Thursday was an errand day for me... did some grocery shopping. It was so beautiful out... 54 degrees! Mild and sunny... when I walked Punky before going into the house, I saw 4 robins having a feast on the lawn. I was so excited by that little notion of Spring! And then it snowed yesterday... all day! We got over 2 inches. DH just left for work and said that it had started snowing again! When will all this snow end and bring Spring in bloom??? I am so ready!

In fact, I am going to start doing some tole-painting on some clay pots to go out by our front door. I have done this style of painting in the past... and I am looking forward to doing a little collection of them for our side yard area. It will keep me busy during the snowy and rainy season ahead.

That's all I really have to share for now... I need to get some laundry done and a little house work as I have a technician coming in the morning to set up a lovely CPAP machine for my bedside. (Oh... how glamorous is that???)

Thanks for reading. Have a blest day!
~Suzanne

Changing the View

We have had some delightful Springtime weather the last few days. It's been warm and sunny and quite therapeutic for me. I love feeling the sun on my shoulders... and it's been very needed!

DH has been very busy with work. He's been doing a ton of overtime... and working a double shift here and there. He's missed some of the sunshine trying to catch up on his sleep. We finally went and did a get-away day yesterday. We took a slow, meandering drive... and landed down near Reading.

DH took me shopping at a fabric store... and let me kind of go crazy inside. I did splurge on a few wonderful things, but really kept myself in check. There were so many wonderful kinds of fabrics and patterns and I wanted it all. I did get a cute pattern for a dress... but was so overwhelmed with one project I have wanted to do, that I didn't buy any dress yardage! (Silly me!)

It was a fun trip to the city... and included dinner at one of our favorite places to eat... Chipotle! I adore mexican food and love the simplicity of the menu and how healthy it is. I did indulge in guacamole... and loved every bite. We had such a nice time together... laughing and talking and sharing in the day. It was exactly what I needed after spending so much time at home in the last 3 months. I really have been housebound through the winter. I can't wait for better and warmer weather... to be able to work in the flowers of the yard and sit outside with a nice cold drink and play with Punky-dog.

Speaking of Punky... she had a much needed grooming session on Friday. The groomer did such a fabulous job on removing her undercoat... she looks and feels like such a different dog! She knows hows how nice she looks and enjoys all the praise and attention we give her as we tell her how pretty she is! She smells so wonderful... and her mani/pedi turned out lovely. She is such a pretty Pom!

I also spent time with one of my best friends from work... having dinner and a nice long talk while I waited for Punky to be groomed. It was a delight to be able to visit with her. It made me feels so good to share and laugh and feel normal for a change!

That's what is new... what's been happening here for the last few days.
Thanks for reading...

~Suzanne

I am stuck...

I haven't posted in awhile about anything... except for the simplest of things. I am rather stuck by events of my childhood. Things that are never talked about... especially not on the Internet. But certain things have come looming to the surface of my memory. Things that have been worked on in therapy, but still linger on after all these years.

I faithfully check an old hometown newspaper each week. I want to see if the perpetrator of crimes within my youth has passed away. I want to know... yet, I don't know if, what I would do with that information. I have had notions of bringing forth the long withheld information upon the surviving members of that family. I am torn... because of knowing that it would very much be denied even though the abuse that happen was multi-generational. And I worry that my allegiance to my very best friend after being put back into that scenario many times over the years, to either succumb to it once again or to finally take a stand and say-- "No, enough is enough" would make me credible.  And yet not being able to report to any agency for fear of repercussions upon my now former childhood friend as she could lose her livelihood weighs all to heavily... despite the statutes of limitations.

Things that happened were not my fault... I know that in my head. Things that were done, were done by numerous people from the time of being a very small child. It has been something that has affected my entire life up to a certain point. Again... it would (and did) take therapy to help me begin to move past the pain and devastation this crime has imprinted on my life.

I have also just passed the 3rd anniversary of my mothers passing. Something that is very difficult for me to even speak about. Things that surrounded that event are indeed quite hurtful and painful... and I again am having issues with processing those feelings. I miss my Mom... and in her last few years of life, she became inaccessible to me within the confines of dementia and distance. I loved her deeply and miss the last few years we had together as I fought for her dignity within the confines of my family and "what they felt was right" when I didn't agree. It was always a battle to be heard and to have a favorable outcome as I know that if my Mom could truly be aware of what was happening (instead of the stress of the matter) she would have let the opposing party have it (once again) and we would have moved toward the positive direction. ( Once my Mom went to dementia care... I would often send clothing as gifts to her... it was important. This is being said as a point of reference only and not as a point of attack on anyone.) I loved my Mom very deeply and I know that she loved me... and she so wanted to have me near her after I had moved back to the east coast.

What brought all this on were 2 events. One being a facebook post made by a friend, praising her children... and I was wondering if my Mom had ever really been proud of me. I don't remember her saying so... never during my school years as they were very turbulent times. And Second, I watched Lisa Ling's "Our America" on Trouble in the Clubhouse... about abuse by coaching staff. That one hour set things off for me ... again....

So, the question is this...Does that part of your inner psyche ever really heal? It can be overcome... with time and distance and separation, but does that inner part of the one what has suffered ever really get to a place where it doesn't rise up and cause pain once again?

I am sorry this post is not about sunshine and rainbows. I do have many things to be grateful and thankful for. I am not depressed... I just have things within my heart that can sometimes weigh down the sweet spirit that usually resides there.

Thank you for reading... and being patient.
~Suzanne