My Heavy Heart

I love facebook... and I love that you can view your friends friends and network or reconnect. For the past few days... my heart has been racing and then heavy. I will think of friends from the past... look them up, and sometimes actually find them and reconnect. It's exciting.

Then there are the ones that I hesitate on. Actually, one in particular, has weighed very heavy on my heart. She was a very close friend during the 13 years that I lived as an adult back in my hometown. We were always there, together... doing things when we could, having very different lives, all the while maintaining a friendship. She saw me through a couple of bad break-ups with boyfriends. She was always up for lunch if she could fit it in... or for breakfast on a Saturday. In the fall... we did our annual "pillage of the village" where we would cut hydrangeas to dry for Christmas projects. When I went home in October of 2005, we had a great time visiting and catching up. I thought I had my friend back in my life.

When I came back from that trip... I received a call from my doctor about an MRI that had been done before I went on the trip. It was the beginning of what was to become my second bout with cancer. I waited and went through the diagnostic process, and had the first surgery. When I went back on Feb, 14th for my post-op release, that was when I found out that I had cancer and would be going back into the hospital in 2 days for further surgery. It wracked me to my very core... I was to meet another friend in Maryland for lunch that day... and I had to call her and tell her I wasn't going to be able to make that lunch... I was in tears and wouldn't be able to hold it together. She understood and prayed for me.

During the next day and a half, before I went back to the hospital... I called people, made arrangements and tried to stay focused on my needs and what needed to happen. My closest friends were very supportive and I knew that God had a plan and purpose, and I was to stay as still as I could, in the palm of his hand and know his peace. He brought me the people that I needed, the food to sustain me and the grace to allow him to work and give him the praise through all of it. My daily prayer is and was the prayer of Jabez.

But back to my friend... I called her... I wanted to let her know what was happening and that I would be ok and that I would appreciate her prayers. That wasn't what actually happened. When I began to speak to her... and I told her that I had been diagnosed with cancer again... she abruptly interrupted me with, "Suzanne... it's always something with you! Let me call you back later on tonight, ok?" I said ok... and hung up the phone. I never heard back from her again.

It's been over 3 years since that phone call. A great deal has happened to me since that time... each thing has been a blessing and has had God's handiwork written all over it. I so want to call her and tell her that she's missed some amazing blessings... and that God continues to bless me as I honor him and give him praise for all he has done and seen me through. I know that I cannot be the woman that I am without the love of my Heavenly Father. I know that having the marriage that I have is because I chose to wait on God and not settle. (It was hard, but it was worth it.) I want to share with her... that God has done healing in relationships, he's restored family and balance to my life. He's given me my long lost sisters and enlarged my territory, just like Jabez. And even in the midst of having cancer again.... it was a blessing! Yes... I said that... it was a blessing... because they also found another undiagnosed problem that was able to removed and allowed me to live a healthier life.

So... what do I do... do I try and reconnect with her on facebook? Do I pick up the phone and leave her a voice mail? Do I try to send her an email to her work address? I don't know... I am uncertain. I will wait upon the Lord and see... maybe I am going through all of this, just to write it out and let it be a blessing to others. I will stand upon the word and wait...