I am stuck...

I haven't posted in awhile about anything... except for the simplest of things. I am rather stuck by events of my childhood. Things that are never talked about... especially not on the Internet. But certain things have come looming to the surface of my memory. Things that have been worked on in therapy, but still linger on after all these years.

I faithfully check an old hometown newspaper each week. I want to see if the perpetrator of crimes within my youth has passed away. I want to know... yet, I don't know if, what I would do with that information. I have had notions of bringing forth the long withheld information upon the surviving members of that family. I am torn... because of knowing that it would very much be denied even though the abuse that happen was multi-generational. And I worry that my allegiance to my very best friend after being put back into that scenario many times over the years, to either succumb to it once again or to finally take a stand and say-- "No, enough is enough" would make me credible.  And yet not being able to report to any agency for fear of repercussions upon my now former childhood friend as she could lose her livelihood weighs all to heavily... despite the statutes of limitations.

Things that happened were not my fault... I know that in my head. Things that were done, were done by numerous people from the time of being a very small child. It has been something that has affected my entire life up to a certain point. Again... it would (and did) take therapy to help me begin to move past the pain and devastation this crime has imprinted on my life.

I have also just passed the 3rd anniversary of my mothers passing. Something that is very difficult for me to even speak about. Things that surrounded that event are indeed quite hurtful and painful... and I again am having issues with processing those feelings. I miss my Mom... and in her last few years of life, she became inaccessible to me within the confines of dementia and distance. I loved her deeply and miss the last few years we had together as I fought for her dignity within the confines of my family and "what they felt was right" when I didn't agree. It was always a battle to be heard and to have a favorable outcome as I know that if my Mom could truly be aware of what was happening (instead of the stress of the matter) she would have let the opposing party have it (once again) and we would have moved toward the positive direction. ( Once my Mom went to dementia care... I would often send clothing as gifts to her... it was important. This is being said as a point of reference only and not as a point of attack on anyone.) I loved my Mom very deeply and I know that she loved me... and she so wanted to have me near her after I had moved back to the east coast.

What brought all this on were 2 events. One being a facebook post made by a friend, praising her children... and I was wondering if my Mom had ever really been proud of me. I don't remember her saying so... never during my school years as they were very turbulent times. And Second, I watched Lisa Ling's "Our America" on Trouble in the Clubhouse... about abuse by coaching staff. That one hour set things off for me ... again....

So, the question is this...Does that part of your inner psyche ever really heal? It can be overcome... with time and distance and separation, but does that inner part of the one what has suffered ever really get to a place where it doesn't rise up and cause pain once again?

I am sorry this post is not about sunshine and rainbows. I do have many things to be grateful and thankful for. I am not depressed... I just have things within my heart that can sometimes weigh down the sweet spirit that usually resides there.

Thank you for reading... and being patient.
~Suzanne

I went!

My doctor requested that I attend a dietary education class for diabetes as part of my "education"in dealing with being a type 2 insulin diabetic. It wasn't something I was looking forward to at all. I almost didn't go... I hadn't slept well and was feeling quite cold and sluggish with being in my hypo-thyroid state lately. I am very glad I went.

It was nice to have a discussion almost one on one with someone who is also diabetic insulin dependent. She did give me some tips about things I had never known. How to deal with having a low blood sugar and that I should only have 15 grams of carbs to bring it back up... 1 glass of juice should do it. Even though I want to eat and drink everything in sight to get rid of that low. And she explained how to do carb counting and how many carbs to have per meal. Good stuff to know.

I came home and was getting ready to have lunch. I gave myself my lunch time shot and sat down to wait for the 15 - 20 minutes I am suppose to wait before I eat. I was so exhausted that looked at the computer screen for about 5 seconds before I fell sound asleep... and stayed zonked out until 5:30~ That's ridiculous! I sure wasn't planning on doing that for my day. I had stuff to do... and zonking out wasn't on that list. I have an ultrasound scheduled this afternoon on my thyroid and labs scheduled for Monday and then I can start back on my Synthroid.

I am trying to get started on a couple of Christmas gifts even tho I have yet to decorate for the holiday. I don't know that we will, DH has been working so much that I don't have the heart to ask him to bring all those boxes from the basement loft area and have to take them back down once I am done, only to have to bring them out again in 3 weeks to take it all down. I have a few things that I have purchased in October and November that will help with the holiday spirit... but I don't know that I will be doing an entire 6 foot tree with all the lights and bows this year. I hope that next year will be different and I have more energy to do all the fun stuff we do around here for Christmas.

Thanks for reading!
~Suzanne

A Heavy Heart...

Have you ever known someone, that no matter what the circumstance, they end up smelling like a rose? Someone who could have a pile of smelly crap fall on top of them and they walk out of it with a grand piano? I have such a person in my life. I'm not naming any names... but he owns lots of stuff like a couple of flower shops and rental properties, just to name a few things. I swear that he's made a deal with the devil for things... and now someone I deeply care about is going to be out of work very soon. This makes me very sad. I cried yesterday and I cried today... and I don't like to cry... it messes up my contacts!

My favorite little gathering spot is going away... and now I won't be able to sit and visit and take Punky to the flower shop anymore. I won 't be able to get fresh flowers without having to drive into town. And my dear friend is going to be without a job... she's worked in that place for over 40 years. She tried to retire, but she kept on working. And to make matters worse for her... her husband has decided that he wants to move to North Carolina... without her. My heart is breaking for her... but I have to continue to pray that God has it all under control and my dear friend will be ok. It makes my heart hurt.

To top it off... my front neighbor has been out of work for months. He really hasn't worked in almost 18 months except for a job that he only held for 4 weeks. He's moving out at the end of the month. I'm sure that Mr. Smells-like-roses will have no problem getting a new tenant. He won't have to even advertise, he'll just put it out there, by word of mouth... and he'll get it rented. I only hope it goes to someone who is quiet and clean. (We like no hassles around these parts!)

*** We will be having new neighbors... I forgot to add that part! The flower shop is already leased... and new proprietors are a very old family that has a prestigious jewelry store and they are going to open a gift shop here. *** (Here's hoping our rent doesn't go up because of it!) All it took was one of them to ask Mr. Smells-like-roses if he knew of any place down in the valley, and he stepped right into that opportunity!

My heart is heavy... and I am very tearful these last few days. They say change is good... but sometimes, I just don't know!

Thanks for reading... be blessed.
~Suzanne

Early Morning...

I woke up early to help get DH off to work... he's got a long day ahead in Philly... driving in snow and ice. All that I can do in the morning... is pray for traveling mercies and a hedge of protection around him and his truck.

It's been quite a short night for me... I received a call from my sister that my Mom had passed at 1:20 pm PST yesterday. Both of my sisters and my Aunt and Uncle were there with her... she had started to sing as she went... and quietly said bye... it was a peaceful, loving passing. I am so glad to know that she is in heaven, singing and dancing with Jesus. She has lots of friends up there... I'm sure she found Miss Mable and they are both dancing together as they talk about Jules and I... I'm sure that Sandy's Mom found her, as did Lizzy's Mom Leah, and she is being shown around with lots of laughter. I was on the phone a lot with friends, text messages and online with facebook, with comments and chats with friends and my nephew... well in to the night. That has brought me great comfort and love and support! Last night, I could hear her singing again... and I was able to sleep a little bit.

I don't know what the future holds for this family. I have been placed in the "hot seat" because I blog about what is going on in my life and feelings about it. It's not been my intention to make anyone look bad in what they were doing to care for my Mom. They did a good job with her... and my only intention was that Mom be made as comfortable as possible. Hospice ended up being the answer to that and she was well cared for. But now there is a chasm because of my perspective... and how I wrote about it (that post has since been deleted.) My feelings are just that, my feelings... and anyone who knows me well... knows I will be quite direct with them. So... now I pray for guidance and once again pray that one word prayer, "help" as I often do about things I don't understand.

Thanks for reading... be blessed.
~Suzanne

It's Blocked!

Last night while we were out doing errands... my cell phone rang... It was my stalker calling. I handed the phone to DH to let him answer the phone. She hung up on him. Within 30 seconds, there was a text message sent. This one was actually pretty funny! It said, "What a freaken fake person you are" and we both laughed, as if she had any idea who I am as a person!

Anyway... it's become quite evident that she has escalated her little assault on me as the night before she had sent a text message that DH also had picked up because I was in the other room. That message was, "Beoutch you are the worst friend i ever had"... (ummmm, yeah! I am not your friend anymore... move on and get a life!) So... I mentioned on facebook last night that she has gotten worse. My new way to answer the phone was going to be "Hello, Losers Anonymous Hotline, how big a Loser are you?" I say... WAS... as my friends from VZW let me know that number blocking under Usage Controls can be added to the account for a fee! I can now block her number and keep my own cell number! (Yeah... it's an added cost... but I don't think I will need to keep it on account forever... but I do get to keep my number!!!)

Blocked Numbers


Restrict phone numbers from calling or sending messages to your child.
Block unwanted calls and messages by entering phone numbers that are not allowed to call or to message your child. Your child will also not be able to call or send messages to those same numbers. Up to 20 phone numbers can be placed on the block list. 911 and account member phone numbers can not be placed on the block list. This will not affect your child's ability to call 911 or any phone number within your wireless account. You will not receive notification of attempted calls placed by phone numbers in your blocked number list.Set Blocks - You can add up to 20 contacts for each account member.
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Jane Burt
410-903-xxxx
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She's at it again...

My text stalker is at again. She's sent me 4 messages this past week. All of them at night. I have locked all the messages she has recently sent. I wish I had saved the ones from last year. I didn't think she'd continue on... but, sadly she has started to escalate. I responded to her only once, asking her to stop. I still don't want to get a new cell number, because it's such a pain in the neck to notify everyone of a new cell number... not just with personal stuff, but with doctors and pharmacies. DH really wants me to get a restraining order against her. I don't know if it's worth the trouble. But I could be mean and have her served at her job. But does that make me any better than her? I could also push back through the church... and go through the steps of mediation and she would more than likely be excommunicated. And how would that be? It would still leave her angry and lonely and still jealous... and probably still sending me harassing messages to my phone. She tells me that I am evil and the scum of the earth... but I am neither. She insists that I lied about her. I have never ever said anything against her. She has a sickness, and is projecting her sickness on to me... very classically so. I know that I have the very thing that she so craves... a wonderful husband who loves me for me.

Was It Something I Said?

I noticed that my following has dropped? I guess I'm not a.) interesting b.)funny or c.) doing a giveaway. I am a.)real b.)honest and c.)snarky (sometimes). That's me... honest, real and not afraid to admit when I am being witchy, cranky or a snot! I am down-to-earth and very casual, don't worry about too much fall-out in most things. If you want to not follow any longer... it's okay... it's really ok, cuz I know that I am never going to be a "pioneer woman" or a "domestic diva" or anyone else...this isn't a Mom-blog... I'm just gonna be me!



Ok... on with the post! I have a friend in Maryland, who has an 8 year old daughter. She had her tonsils out this morning. She's already home! This brought back memories of my own tonsillectomy. My... how times have changed! I remember being around 4 years old. I don't think my Mom really prepared me for the procedure. I was scared crazy. And I remember being in one of those big stainless steel metal cage beds. (It was really an oversized crib!) I think I was in the hospital for 2 or 3 days.



One of my most favorite treats as a kid was Welch's grape juice... loved that stuff! (I still like it now, but it's so full of sugar, I get heartburn from it.) My Mom brought me a regular sized bottle of the stuff to have during my stay. I asked for a glass of juice... but that's not what I got. I think it was orange juice and not my beloved grape juice. It was supposed to be in the fridge at the nurses station... and I think someone on the night shift drank it all! (I'm not knocking nurses, nor nurses who work nights.) I just never got any of that juice!



Anyway... my recollection of that adventure is that it was not a great time had by yours truly. And when I came home, my Mom had an event at church... probably a bridal shower for my cousin or my oldest sister. That left me at home with my Dad. I was hungry when I woke up. So... him being my Dad, gave me a bowl of cereal... shredded wheat to be exact. He couldn't understand why I couldn't get it down. My Mom was furious with him... and I was upset that I made her furious at him... she was certain I was going to have issues with my stitches and brought me a Popsicle to suck on... while she went and made me a milk shake with tiger milk added.



I do remember having lots of ice cream... and lots of soft scrambled eggs with cheddar and cottage cheese and peaches. My Mom... she was a good nurse!



Thanks for reading my little walk down memory lane! Be blessed!

~Suzanne

Oh!... I will more than likely do a give-away when I reach 200 posts. Sorry, but 100 came and went before I knew it! Stay tuned... I'm still deciding on what I want to do for a give-away! ;)